Job Application

Just about everything you can find on the Internet paints a pretty dismal picture of life in Turkmenistan. And, unfortunately, much, if not all of it, is true.

Nevertheless, now that I've been gone for several years, I find myself yearning to return, at least for a while.

Very early in my stay there, one of the resident Peace Corps cynics dubbed Ashgabat "Stalin's Disneyland," and the phrase has stuck in my mind since.

It's a city of Soviet-styled concrete, covered up with neon, fountains, slogans, and monuments -- a place of vast contradictions that mirror life throughout the country: Laughter and sadness, wealth and grinding poverty, beautiful vistas and a land where family pets are thrown out with the trash ... a place where merchants will try and cheat foreigners, but who will return the odd penny if a mistake is made giving change.

Nevertheless, for me, the positives outweigh the negatives, and Turkmenistan calls out to me in my dreams.

I just can't get rid of the idea that if I returned and somehow got the ear of Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov, the successor to Saparmurat Niyazov, "The Turkmenbashi," I could make a positive difference.

By trade, I'm a poker player and a public relations consultant who has done more than my fair share of "spin" when it comes to bad situations. My best PR clients, however, are ones who will accept advice on how to keep out of trouble in the first place, and that's what I would love to do in Turkmenistan.

So, even though the chances run from zero to less than zero, consider this post a personal job application to the Turkmen leadership.



WANTED: A position of responsibility where I could advise government agencies on ways to modernize education, bring healthcare into the 21st Century, improve international relations, and increase foreign investment. (How's that for an ambitious dream job?)

Actually, it wouldn't be all that tough. Most of the choices are no-brainers.

Education: I've read the Niyazov's Ruhnama. It has some very inspirational parts and some nice poetry. It's unique to Turkmenistan, and all students should read it; it's part of their culture. But, come on, it's not a text book, and it certainly won't prepare your countrymen for working in e-commerce. Same goes for language. Yes, all your residents should learn Turkmen; it's your national language. But, they also need Russian or English to compete in the global marketplace.

Tourism: Turkmenistan has unique cultural and historical aspects that many people would love to see. But, they're not going to come if they are treated as some sort of security threat that has to be constantly watched. Really ... there is very little worth spying on, and, judging by the Internet, the present system isn't winning a lot of friends.

Healthcare: If you had to fly in doctors from Germany to treat the former ailing president, what does that say about medical facilities for everyone else in the country? And, while we're on the subject, what's up with closing the hospitals outside of Ashgabat and using military personnel to replace medical professionals? Finally, accept the fact that a country with as many intravenous drug users and prostitutes as you have either already has a big problem with AIDS or is headed in that direction. At the very least, open some sort of free no-questions-asked blood-screening clinic for your "night butterflies."

Image: Wasn't it a bit embarrassing when Niyazov was in charge that every year he made the top 10 list of countries with the World's Worst Leaders? It's time for a change. Just allowing a few Internet cafes to open would do the trick.
Well, do you think there's any chance I can get the job? Just post your response on this site.